Alternate realities

Maybe it's because my one-year "anniversary" is rapidly approaching, or maybe it's because I watch too much Fringe, but today I found myself contemplating the different paths I could have chosen this time last year.

First, there was maintaining the status quo. An option, that, had I stayed the course, could have brought miseries far too unbearable to put into words. Remaining the person who couldn't admit to a mistake or failure, sinking deeper and deeper into a lonely, isolated existence. Seeing divorce as an impossibility, and only one now unfathomable way out. I wonder how much longer, if at all, I could have lasted like that. How much longer until that carefully maintained veneer of happiness cracked and someone - be it a friend or some poor, unsuspecting stranger at a coffee shop - found out that my marriage was in shambles, and how much I dreaded going home at the end of the work day.

In the second "reality", maybe if I would have stuck it out, things could have gotten better. A year later, there would certainly still be struggles, but perhaps, had I called in outside help, I could have gotten what I'd been wanting and waiting for for so long: A return to the sweet, thoughtful and supportive person I'd fallen for, and an equal partner. On this path, in time, we'd be fixing up our home and planning to expand our family. While this is what I had longed for, back then it felt like an impossible dream and an unachievable outcome. And now, it just feels naive.

In the third, I followed my gut instinct and fled. Far, far away. To wherever I could find work. Figuring that I was starting over whether I stayed in Toronto or moved, it seemed like it wouldn't be all that messy to launch my new single life and re-find myself in a new city. This was feasible, but it's something that I'm now glad I didn't do. Despite feeling lonely in Toronto, I had more friends and more roots here than I'd realized. That support in the dark, difficult days kept me going. I don't know how well I would have fared without all the people who stepped up to pick up the pieces and give me things to look forward to on those days when I just didn't want to get out of bed.

And then there's this one. My true reality. Full of messes, complications, and months of breaking the news to people, over and over again, that, to borrow an expression used today by a friend, my Beta test marriage experiment had not been a success. While I may not have always made the best decisions, I can't regret any of the ups and downs on this very bumpy path, because somehow it brought me a bunch of wonderful friends and genuine happiness -- and it's this reality that I'll be celebrating on my "anniversary." While it may seem strange to throw a party marking what was certainly one of the worst days of my life so far, I think it's fitting. I'm reclaiming the day for myself, and replacing all that grief and woe with positive energy. Because, unlike this time last year, I know that I'm going to more than survive the coming year -- I'm going to embrace and enjoy it.